As many of you may have noticed, it has been about one month without any blog posts. I fully intended on posing other blog posts over the past month. I just felt as if this was one important post I had to write as publish before any others. So here goes nothin…
I suffer from pretty awful anxiety. This is something that I normally like to keep to myself, as I am more of a “suffer I silence” type. Over the past month it has gotten severe. From panic attacks, nightmares, lack of sleep to over analyzing absolutely everything. I have been through it all lately.
A few weeks back I googled “dealing with anxiety” in hopes of reading about other people’s experiences, but all I found were these really clinical sounding articles. I figured that if I was having trouble finding this, then other people probably are as well. So here are some of my thoughts in the topic…
Last week I finished up my second semester of Hairstyling and I think that is why my anxiety got so bad. I am a control freak and a perfectionist. I want to do it all: student council, deans list for the second semester in a row, volunteering as much as I can and putting in all the effort I can possibly put in. This caused me to over analyze EVERYTHING. Was I going to make deans list? What would people think if I didn’t make deans list? If I do make deans list again would they think I am a goody-two-shoes-know-it-all? My mind was constantly in overdrive and that was exhausting. Mentally and physically exhausting.
So I would nap. Some days I came home and napped for 3-5 hours. Then I would go to sleep at night and feel as if I didn’t deserve to have a full nights sleep since I took such a long nap. So I would stay awake and think about all of the things I could have gotten done during the day if I did not nap.
I would also have the most terrifying dreams. I would constantly dream about being late for things. I would dream about being judged by my teachers for not putting in enough effort, even though I was trying SO FRICKEN HARD all the time. I would dream about losing people and people walking out of my life because I wasn’t good enough for them. I don’t want to end up alone. So I was waking 2-3 times every night…I was afraid to sleep.
I would wake up every morning feeling so fatigued as if I hadn’t slept at all. I would not even be awake twenty minutes and I would already be fretting about how my day was going to go. I would go through every scenario of leaving my house. Was I going to miss the bus? Would my two left feel get the better of me and trip? Would anyone bother me on the bus? Once I get to school will any of my friends be there? Are they even my friends? I am probably just annoying them. I should probably leave them alone…
I would then alienate myself. I distanced myself from everyone, and then I because positive I had ruined the friendship, if there had even been a friendship there in the first place. I was lonely. So I began to cling to one person at school. A friend of mine became my security blanket and thank goodness for her because she made this last month bearable.
When I came home from school I would go into overdrive because I couldn’t shut off my thoughts, so I would clean. And by clean I mean scrub until your fingers hurt, vacuum until your biceps are throbbing. Cleaning was my get away. But not healthy cleaning…over-the-top-you-really-need-to-stop-cleaning type of cleaning. Cleaning was how I gained back some of my control.
When the weekend rolled around I had the option of going home to visit my family. I did plan to visit quite a few times, but backed out last minute. For me to get home it is a 4 hour bus ride and that is something that I just could not handle. So I haven’t seen my family in three months. Again, I feel lonely.
So what would I do on the weekend? I would eat. I would eat to make myself feel better and then I would feel worse because of all that I had eaten. Binge eating helped..but only in the moment. I would later look in the mirror and my reflection was hideous. My face would break out and my skin was full because of all the crappy food I had eaten. My clothes wouldn’t fit the way I wanted them to and even my hair lost its “shine”. I was then worried over what people would think when they saw me.
This has been my life the past couple of weeks. So what have I done to make some changes and to keep my anxiety at bay? I take melatonin at night to help me sleep. I invested in a new skincare routine to help with how my skin was looking. I chopped off half my hair into a cute bob to have a fresh new look. I have been speaking to a councillor to ensure I am not keeping this all bottled up. I have come up with a strict school schedule that does not allow over cleaning or over studying. I make sure I bring my headphones on my trip to school to drown out the rest of the world so I can have one hour to myself. And, I am visiting my family this week.
At this very moment, I am feeling good. It was like a flick of a switch. Exams are completed and I feel 99% better. As much as I love the program I am in, I am more than ready to graduate at the end of the summer. I am ready to have a regular schedule without any tests or exams to worry about. And I know there will still be challenges and anxiety that are not brought on my school, but I will battle through that too.
If anyone ever needs to talk, or needs someone to open up to or to rant to… I am here! My instagram is @eclectic-tanni and you can direct message me any time you want. Keep fighting, peeps!
Until next time,